When we think of a vow we often think of a promise made during a wedding ceremony. A vow between a bride and a groom is a covenant, a binding agreement that is not supposed to be broken, yet these days often they are. A vow can simply be a promise made. "I promise I will not do that again." How many times have you made a vow to God only to break that promise? How many times has someone broken a promise to you? Intentionally or unintentionally, it happens.
Have you ever made a promise to yourself in regards to actions or behavior of others? You've heard the expression "Never say never." How many times have you said "never"? Fill in the blank for: "I will never let anyone _____ me again." You just made a personal vow. Here's a few common vows people make: "I will never trust anyone again." "I will never let anyone hurt me again." "I will never do _____ again!" "I will never become like my mother or father." Personal vows are usually said in response to a hurt or wound caused by someone close to us. Our own words seem harmless enough, but are damaging to our soul and relationships. I believe the most damaging vows we make are made during childhood.
Childhood vows set us up for a lifetime of unhealthy behavior patterns and coping mechanisms. Vows are a subtle deception of the enemy because we believe they will protect us from further harm. Someone you love does something that causes a wound in your soul.
and it is often repeated. You vow to never let that happen to you again. Remember when I said a vow is a binding agreement? When you make a personal vow, you are making a binding agreement with yourself, essentially locking yourself in a prison cell and throwing away the key. You are now bound to that vow, even if it was a mere thought. Often, that thought is a seed planted by the enemy and that becomes a stronghold in your life. A stronghold is any area in your life where something or someone other than God has control. You are a spirit being that has a soul and lives in a physical body. Hebrews 4:12: tells us how the Word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword and it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit. Also see Matthew 10:28 and 1 Thessalonians 5:23. The enemy gains access to your life through wounds in your soul. Think of your soul (mind, will, and emotions) as a gate. What is that gate opened up to? Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23. What you let come in through the gate of your soul affects everything else in your life.
Growing up, I had a father who loved to tease. A lot of people tease affectionately but when my father teased me, I felt mocked and embarrassed. I felt laughed at, not laughed with. He would not let up on the teasing until he got his desired reaction out of me, usually crying and then he would tease me one last time by mocking my cry. I can still see the look in his eyes and hear the tone of his voice today. It was painful and made me feel helpless. I didn't understand that he had a painful childhood. Teasing became the way he showed affection and I also believe he gained something that was taken from him when he was young; power and control. I can imagine he had made plenty of his own inner vows. My dad also had quite the "Irish Temper".
It was then that I made vows to myself in order to never feel helpless again. Now that I am older, I understand how that vow impacted my life far more negatively than the pain I was protecting myself from. Let me say it again because it is important. The personal vows I made to protect myself as a child, only caused me greater pain than the original pain itself. Not only have they caused me greater pain, but also to others. My incorrect thinking and responses affect how I relate and respond to those around me.
The vows I made were this: "I will never allow myself to be laughed at or made fun of again" and "I will never do anything to make someone mad at me." These little promises seemed
insignificant and harmless at the time but eventually became a
fortress around my soul that kept others out and myself locked in. When you make an inner vow consciously or unconsciously, you begin to order your world around that vow. My vows became the filter of how I responded or reacted to others around me. Every action and every word that came from me was orchestrated in a way so as not to invite ridicule and to not make someone upset with me. This meant I never risked. I never really allowed the true me to develop. I constantly denied myself and gave in to others; partially out of love but mostly out of self-protection. I avoided conflict at all costs, even to allowing myself to be abused in some situations. My inner world became my safe place. These mindsets are not helpful in developing healthy relationships. They are also not Christ-like. One of the truths I am finally learning (though have not perfected) is that when I deny others me, I am denying others Christ in me.
When we make personal vows we are creating a covenant (a promise) with ourselves to never be subject to whatever wounded or offended us again. This opens the door for pride to come in. Pride says "I will protect myself without God", though usually in a subtle form. We aren't supposed to depend on ourselves or go it alone. In John 15:5b Jesus says "Apart from Me you can do nothing." Proverbs 3:5 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. My understanding was faulty and only caused me more hurt - years of hurt! Psalm 46:1 says that God is our refuge and strength. Deuteronomy 32:4 says The Lord is your mighty defender, perfect and just in all his ways. Psalm 28:7 says The Lord is my strength and my shield. And we have Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. The truth is that rather than make a personal vow when we are hurt, we need to take the hurt to Jesus. We need to forgive the person who hurt us and ask Jesus how we can respond to the person who hurt us. If you happen to be in an abusive relationship, please know that God never desires that for you. Ask Him and seek help from others to help to get out of that relationship if you are in that place. Forgiving does not mean we allow others to abuse us and sometimes no contact is necessary to be safe. God gives us the wisdom to have healthy boundaries if we ask. James 1:5.
Personal vows prevent us from being truly effective for the Kingdom because now that vow is imprinted in our minds, rather than having our minds renewed by the Word of God, allowing it to penetrate, dividing soul and spirit. Hebrews 4:12. I love what Apostle Paul says in Romans chapter 7:15-25 (Message) Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.
Are there negative patterns in your life that you just can't seem to overcome? Could it be that you have made a personal vow that needs to be broken? When I seem unable to overcome something in a particular area of my life, one thing that always helps me is to ask the Lord "What was the open door?" The Lord is so gracious and if I seek Him, He will always show me where that door is. I find that often today's struggles are the result patterns of behavior and thinking that I developed when I was young. Another word we use today is "coping mechanism". We aren't called to merely cope with life. We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus! - Romans 8:37.
The difficult part is being honest with yourself. Once you have found the open door, the steps to breaking a personal vow are easy.
1. The first thing you do is repent. 1 John 1:9 (TPT) But if we freely admit our sins when his light uncovers them, he will be faithful to forgive us every time... "Father, thank you for showing me where I opened to door to the enemy. I repent of giving him access to my life through the wounds in my soul. Forgive me for making the vow that ________________and for trusting in that vow rather than trusting you. - Proverbs 3:5
2. Renounce the vow. "Father I renounce and break all agreement with my vow of 'I will never let anyone laugh at me again.' and I break all power those words have over my life in Jesus' name." Life and death are in the power of the tongue - Proverbs 18:21.
3. You must forgive the person who wounded you. Without forgiveness, you will not ever be free from those wounds. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses -Mark 11:25 Because Christ forgave us while we were in sin, we can and must forgive others. Read Matthew 18:21-35 for more on this. "Heavenly Father, I forgive my father for teasing me and wounding me. I release both him and all the hurt caused by him. I give it all to you. The next time he tries to provoke me, show me how to respond in a way that honors you. Give me wisdom. I can't do this on my own. I need your help."
4. Produce fruit in keeping with repentance - Matthew 3:8. Just as a personal vow is made made in the mind so is producing the fruit of repentance. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2 This means I no longer order my world around those vows but according to the Word of God. It may take practice. It will likely be a process, not an overnight success. I will surely blow it from time to time but when I do, I will be quick to repent and keep moving forward. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9.
Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
I hope you were encouraged - learning to live authentically!
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