The Father's Heart Breaks

Right now we are in the midst of my favorite season, summer. I love the longer days and the warm weather and so often miss those childhood days of having the entire summer off with nothing to do. Of course my own children are at the age where they are "bored" all the time all the while I am envious that they get to stay home while I rush off to work each morning. So often I long for the freedom to fully enjoy the dog-days of summer. I wish my daughter and my son would allow themselves to embrace and enjoy this season rather than complain of boredom.

Isn't that how we are much of the time? We find ourselves in a particular season and rather than embrace it, like children we complain. We find ourselves yearning either for what was or what is to come. Some seasons are easier than others and in just about every season, we can find both good and bad. So what do we do when we are going through a dark season? The season I am finally coming out of has been a very dark season in my life. Oh, there have been a few joys but there has been much heaviness and sadness. See, if the enemy can't get to you directly, He will get to you through those you love most. Children, innocence lost; peace, hope,

hope, goodness, and all the dreams seemingly gone; just like that. My heart was grieved and I was broken. I grieved for them and yearned for those days of innocence to return. I don't like this season very much. Why must I walk through this? Why them? What did they do to deserve this? Why God, why didn't you stop this sooner? Are you making them pay for the sins of my past? Are you punishing me for the sins of my past? And why was there no justice in the situation?

So many questions and yet no answers.

It seemed that God was silent. I felt so many emotions such as anger, fear, guilt, sadness but I couldn't let it show. So many didn't understand the pain I was going through, especially those seemingly closest who could have been a help and a comfort and yet were in denial that anything traumatizing ever happened to my children. So I was frowned upon. And so, I suffered silently. I cried dry tears that no one could see. I kept it all on the inside because life wasn't going to pause long enough for me to do anything with all my emotions and my broken and saddened heart. Then, exhausted from it all, I came to a point where I felt nothing at all. It was like dark heaviness was closing in around me squeezing the very life out of me as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Often, while when the storm is raging, all there is to do is wait it out; and trust. When you have done all there is to do - stand. - Ephesians 6:13. Sometimes that storm is not only raging around us be in us as well. I am so thankful for God's grace during those times and also that our Lord is the calmer of the storm!

See, if you think that being a pastor's wife is glamorous or something to aspire to, let me break it to you. It's absolutely not. I have struggles just like you. I have weaknesses just like you. I fail at times just like you do, probably even more! I even hear the same lies of the enemy whispered in my ear that you do. Often, being in ministry means that your reliance is completely on Him, and in Him alone. It's not a place of being seen. It's not a place of being served. It is a place of taking the low road and even denying your own needs for the sake of others. When those around you have their own issues and needs and you must be the one to sacrifice so they can receive their comfort. Hebrews 2:13 - and again I will put my trust in Him. Often for me, when I am going through stuff, there's no one to go to cry to or "complain" to except into the loving arms of the Father Himself. That is where I find my strength. That's where I find my peace. That is where I find rest, and often, the only place I find those things. Ultimately, that is the source for all of us.

I am sure that in this season of darkness that I am transitioning out of, that I have probably missed many an opportunity to bless, befriend, and comfort someone else. It's so easy to focus on our own stuff when we are going through it. That is the enemy's plan but let me tell you something. Almost every women I have had the pleasure to sit with and fellowship with, have coffee with, etc... each one in a difficult place, felt she was the only one; that no one could relate or understand. If you are going through a dark season right now, know this. You are not alone. The enemy would want you to think you are but your are not. He doesn't do anything new. He is the father of lies and uses the same tactics and lies on all of us. We have much more in common than we think!

See, while in my season of despair I even believed the lie that even God was not understanding my pain and my grief, that He was somehow absent and unaware or perhaps my pain didn't matter to Him. Well, it does matter. Very much so.

At some point in time we are all dealt with this question: if God is omniscient and all-powerful, then why do bad things happen to good people and especially to innocent children? I will never claim to have all the answers or to understand fully. There are some things we just have to resolve in our hearts that by faith we will trust the Father no matter what it looks like or what we have to walk through. He has an eternal perspective on things and we only see but through a glass darkly. Our picture is incomplete. We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:11-13 The Message translation

There is one thing I do know. We never have to walk alone. I had to make a decision to trust the Father's heart toward me and toward my children especially when life wasn't fair. In spite of the trauma, in spite of the darkness, in spite of all of the frustration and pain, the Father's heart is for me and His heart is for my children. He is able to save, to heal, and to deliver to the utmost. What I have learned through my experience is that my heart is not the only one that breaks. The Father's heart breaks and not only that, He knows exactly the sense of loss, suffering, and pain I feel. You see, He has a Son. His son was innocent, His son was blameless. He watched as His Son was rejected, scorned, mocked, laughed at. He watched as His son was so badly beaten, He was not even recognizable. He watched as His Son took upon Himself our poverty, our sickness, our shame, and yes, all of our sin. And even though He could have stopped it all, He watched as His Son died for you and for me. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God. - 2 Corinthians 5:21.

Psalm 22 is a great prophetic picture of what was to come. Even though in verse 1 it says "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" I don't believe the Father completely turned His back on His Son because later in verse 24 it says "For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help." Though to Christ, it surely must have felt that the Father did forsake Him as he hung there on that cross, beaten to a bloody pulp. Imagine the sense of loss and grief that Jesus' mother and John the beloved must

felt. Even the disciples that fled, surely their souls were surrounded by great darkness. I can imagine they had so many doubts and questions about all they thought they believed in. All hope seemingly lost during those those three days before the resurrection while Jesus' body lay dead in the tomb. But, there was a resurrection! Death could not keep Him! See, the Father had a plan all along and even in the midst of our own despair and dark seasons, He has a plan as well. He wants to resurrect those dreams, all that seems lost! And He can do it!

We talk about the compassion of Christ in the church. I believe that it's the Father's heart that healed the sick, cast out demons, and raised the dead, among many other miracles, signs, and wonders. Jesus said himself that He only did what He saw the Father doing. So while yes, Jesus is kind and compassionate and He was the sacrificial Lamb, but there's something special about the Father's heart toward us that we must get a greater revelation for. Think of every good thing that a father should be. He is all that and so much more. Strong, compassionate, slow to anger, kind, gentle, loving, and a sustainer of all life. It is easy? Absolutely not. We were never promised a life without pain and sorry. And so what about the one who did the harm? Slowly I am allowing the Father to show me His heart even for that person. Remember, it is His will that none be lost. His heart also breaks for that one. It was my sin that put my Father's Son on the cross and He forgave my debt. So now, it is now my prayer that this person comes to the end of themselves and to the knowledge of Christ. I pray this person comes face to face with the love of the Father and that they will receive a revelation and have understanding of the pain, hurt, and trauma they have caused, not in a sense of payback but so that they can repent and become a new creature in Christ, healed and set free from the trauma they most likely have suffered themselves. What healing that would bring to my children and I!! The Father's heart breaks for all His children, even those who are lost.

And so, I can release everything to Him because He is bigger than I. My Heavenly Father has big arms! He holds the whole world in His hands and so He can even hold all my cares and worries and fears. Yes, Jesus who became God in the flesh can identify with our humanity but we have a Father who can also identify with our sorrows. I do not walk through the pain alone. Even though my tears (though much, much fewer now) are unseen to you, they are both seen and felt by my Father. He knows. He knows all to well how it feels. And He's there. He's there to comfort and to hold, and to heal. Are my children fully healed yet? No but they will be. Am I fully over the pain yet. I am still in process and closer every single day. Has my heart healed, not yet fully but it will be and all the suffering will only be a remembrance and a memorial of what God has done to turn it all around for good. Romans 8:28. Just like at Calvary, there's a resurrection coming! There has been a shift. The old has passed! Today is a new day and I am in a new season. I can say that because today I know that when my heart breaks, so does His. He can identify with the hurt more than you know and He's big enough to carry you and I through it. And today I have made a decision. He is not just my God. He is my Daddy.