A few lessons from my father
I would like to get personal if I may. In all honesty, I have nothing of any value to share with you except what I have myself had to walk through. There is always a test before the testimony. Every overcomer has had something to overcome. Here is a part of my story, and some lessons that I have learned through the process.
Jon "Jack" Garland. Born in 1938, he passed away in October 2019 at the age of 81. I like this photo because it shows his curly red hair, his navy tattoo, and by the clothing that he wore, the decade in which I was born. It also shows how tiny I was at 2-months old! Born a preemie, my life was a battle from day one, as was my father's life. In fact, though he served in the Navy during the Vietnam War, the greatest battle he ever fought was the war within himself.
And so, here are a few lessons I have learned from my father's life. These aren't lessons that he purposed to teach me. No, these are lessons learned through the school of hard knocks, both his and mine.
1. Hurting people hurt people. I adored my father when I was small. He was the fun parent but also the most unpredictable. He battled with alcoholism and mental illness much of his life, having grown up with an abusive alcoholic parent, who more than likely also grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent. He could be wonderful to be around and oh how he loved to tease! He could also be controlling and manipulative. I often wrestled with these two extremes. I did not understand how he could be so fun one moment then scary other moments. When I was small sometimes he would come home late at night intoxicated. I would sit in my bed listening to the commotion that came from our living room, crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I had no one to hug or comfort me and I thought for sure that I was the cause of his anger and his drinking. As I got older I learned that I was not the cause of his troubles and for a time I was very angry with him. I thought he should have loved me enough to stop drinking. How little understanding of the frailty of the human soul I had! I did not understand how imperfect human love is. As a teenager, I rebelled against my father's controls, to my own hurt and detriment. I blamed both he and my mom for the bitterness I carried. Oh, how I could have easily continued on that path, but for the grace of God. When I became a young adult, having just returned to my relationship with the Lord after that season of rebellion, I was told something that I will never forget: "Hurting people hurt people." Those simple words began the process of healing for me, not only from pain caused by my father-wounds but also pain caused by others. Knowing that he was hurting, helped me to understand why he did some of the things he did. It didn't excuse those things but still, those words helped me to see that people just don't hurt others when they are happy and at peace. No, hurting people hurt other people. My father had been hurting and struggling for years before I came into his life. It took a while for me to develop compassion for his hurting soul. Today I wholeheartedly believe that as troubled as my father was, he gave me the best life he knew how to give and he still managed to provide for me a better life growing up then what he had.
2. Time does not heal all wounds. Time didn't heal the wounds in my father, and time did not heal the wounds in me. Issues not dealt with honestly will surface later some area of your life negatively affecting your relationships and eventually your health. I have witnessed my father struggle with both physical and mental health issues all of my life. Sadly he was never able to fully overcome while in this life, although now I can see where the hand of God orchestrated some things and how rich the grace of God truly is, even for those who don't fully understand it. I had to come to the place where I admitted my pain but I also had to repent of all hateful and rebellious attitudes that I carried toward my father. Two wrongs don't make a right. I can't change or control what is done to me by others but I can change and control my own heart attitude and how I deal with those wrongs. Time does not heal all wounds but It does take time to heal most wounds, especially childhood wounds. The Lord began moving on my bruised and broken heart, healing it one layer at a time and He is still not finished with me. He will complete with the work He began in me. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago and I pray that 20 years from now, I will not be the same person I am today. Healing is a process. It does not all happen overnight. We go from glory to glory!! Sometimes we just have to rest in the grace of God and trust Him in the process. I love what our friend Kathie says "Snuggle, don't struggle".
3. Forgiveness brings freedom and life for the one who forgives! Until you forgive you are tied to that situation and that person that hurt you. Of course, my father was my father. Biologically we share the same DNA and I can't change that although there was a time in my life where I would have if I could. Thankfully the DNA of Christ is stronger than any earthly DNA. Jesus came to show us the way to the Father (See John chapter 24) and to destroy the works of the devil. (1 John 3:8) I came to know that the wounds I was carrying were wounds caused by something greater than my father. My father was the unsuspecting vessel through which those wounds came, unaware that he was being used. It is the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy - John 10:10. But Jesus came that we might have life and have it abundantly. There are some debts owed that cannot be repaid. Read Matthew 18:21-35. Anyone who does not forgive is like the unmerciful servant. How could I possibly hold a debt against someone else when my heavenly Father has canceled all my debts? You and I can't walk in both life and death at the same time. Jesus died that we might be set free from the law of sin and death. Unforgiveness carries with it the record of law and death. Hallelujah, that record has been wiped away by the precious blood of Jesus! I have a new Father, my Heavenly Father and His love is perfect. He was there every time I cried myself to sleep at night, longing for someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. His grace carried me through even when I was not being so lovable, even during those years of rebellion. Through those experiences, I have been developed an inner strength that I would not have had otherwise. I know who carried me through those years and still carries me today and will carry me all my days. I have forgiven my earthly father because my Heavenly Father forgave me. My earthly father isn't responsible to me for his sins. That is between him and God. All of sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... I have laid down my stones of accusation. Now I see my father through the light of God's grace rather than through my own pain. He was a deeply wounded person himself, though I have to say he did many good things in his life, especially in his work helping other Veterans, trying to redeem himself when He had already been redeemed! His very name, Jon means "God is gracious". I grieved the loss of my father many years ago because he could not fully be the father he would have wanted to be. He was a wounded person himself, a POW; a prisoner of the war within himself. I do regret that in his later years our relationship wasn't what I would have liked it to be. He wasn't in a place where I could truly share my heart, especially with dementia taking its toll on him. I am so thankful though, that shortly before his passing away, I was able to have a moment of connection with him, kissing him on the forehead saying "I love you, Daddy." It was just a fleeting moment but I can still hear his voice say "I love you too Jonica". My children were present and witnessed that moment as he lay in the hospital bed, soon to have surgery. I was blessed to be able to give the eulogy at his funeral. I shared my grief but it is not grief that you would think I carry. My grief that he could not fully overcome while in this life and become the man God created him to be, to fully understand and walk in the fullness of God's grace for him. I believe that God in His amazing grace met him at the point of his need. One day I will see him again, free from all the chains that had him bound in this life. What a wonderful day that will be, to see him for the first time, completely free! How much more wonderful if we could all grasp ahold of the truth that we can be free while still in this life! Selah!!
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