Breaking Personal Vows

I'd like to share with what I have learned from my walk with the Lord regarding personal vows. When we think of a vow we often think of a promise made during a wedding ceremony. A vow between a bride and a groom is a covenant, a binding agreement that is not supposed to be broken, yet sometimes they are. A vow can also simply be a promise made. "I promise I will not do that again." How many times have you had someone promise you something only to have them break that promise? How many times have you broken a promise to someone else? It happens, intentionally or unintentionally.

I want to talk to you about vows that should be broken. These are personal vows, also called inner vows. Have you ever made a promise to yourself in regards to the actions or behavior of someone else? You've heard the expression "Never say never." How many times have you said "never"? Fill in the blank for me: "I will never let anyone __________________ to me again." Here are some common personal vows people make: "I will never let anyone use me again." "I will never allow anyone put me down again." "I will never let anyone make me feel inferior again." "I will never let anyone hurt me again." "I will never do that again!" This one is a common vow: "I will never become like my mother." Vows like this are usually said in response to a hurt or a wound caused by someone else. Personal vows seem harmless but they are actually quite damaging to your soul and to your relationships; especially to your relationship with God. I believe the most damaging vows we make are made during childhood. They set us up for a lifetime of unhealthy patterns, behaviors, and coping mechanisms. Personal vows do not protect you but they keep you bound. It is a subtle deception of the enemy. Someone you love does something that hurts you and causes you pain. The offense is usually repeated. Remember when I said a vow is a binding agreement? When you make a personal vow, it is like locking yourself in a prison cell and throwing away the key. You are now bound by the vow you made to yourself!

I believe that many wrong behaviors and thinking patterns in our lives develop through inner vows. These inner vows became strongholds in our lives. A stronghold is simply any area in your life where God doesn't have control. There is someone or something else other than God that has control over you in a particular area of your soul. You are a spirit being that has a soul and lives in a physical body. Hebrews 4:12: tells us how the Word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword and it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit. Also see Matthew 10:28 and 1 Thessalonians 5:23. The enemy gains access to your life through wounds in your soul. Think of your soul (mind, will, and emotions) as a gate. What is that gate open to? Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23. What comes in through the gate of your soul affects everything!

Let me share with you an area where the enemy had access to wounds in my soul. I have a father who loves to tease. A lot of people tease affectionately but as a child, when my father teased me, I felt mocked and embarrassed. I felt laughed at, not laughed with. He would not let up on the teasing until he got the desired reaction out of me, usually crying and then he would tease me one last time by mocking my cry. I can still clearly picture the look in his eyes and hear the tone of his voice today. It was deeply painful and it wounded my soul. I was too young and immature to understand that he had a painful childhood and an improper foundation. Not having understood the love of a heavenly father, he had no grid for love. Teasing became the way he showed affection and also through teasing he gained something that was taken from him when he was young: power and control. I can imagine he had made plenty of his own vows.

And so, I made a personal vow, believing that I was protecting myself from more hurt. Now that I am older, I understand that those inner vows impacted my life far more negatively than the hurt and pain that I was protecting myself from. Did you catch that? Let me say it again because it is important to understand. The personal vows I made as a child to keep myself from further pain only caused me greater pain than the actual offenses themselves caused. Not only have they caused me greater pain, but they have caused pain to those I love most because my incorrect thinking and responses affect how I relate and respond to others.

Here are two inner vows I made as a young child and how those vows caused further damage to my already wounded soul. "I will never allow myself to be laughed at or made fun of again" and "I will do everything in my power to not make people mad at me." These little promises, these little thoughts, seemed insignificant and harmless at the time but over time, they became a fortress around my soul that kept others out and myself locked in. See, when you make an inner vow, whether consciously or unconsciously you begin to order your world around that vow. I responded or reacted to others through the filter of those vows. Every action and every word that came from me was carefully orchestrated in a way so as not to invite ridicule and to not make someone upset with me. This meant I never risked. I never really allowed the true me to develop. I constantly denied myself and gave in to others not out of love or compassion for them, but out of self-protection. I avoided conflict at all costs even to my detriment. I had my inner world and that inner world became my safe place. These behaviors are not conducive to intimate relationships. They are also not Christ-like. One of the truths I am finally learning (though have not perfected) is that when I deny others me, I am denying others Christ in me. This doesn't happen overnight. It is a step-by-step process, where I must rely completely on Him. It is a vulnerable place to be.

When we make personal vows we are creating a covenant (a promise) with ourselves to never be subject to whatever wounded or offended us again. This opens the door for pride to come in. Pride says "I don't need God, I don't need others. I can protect myself", though usually presents itself in a subtle form. We aren't supposed to depend on ourselves or go it alone. In John 15:5b Jesus says "Apart from Me you can do nothing." Proverbs 3:5 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. My understanding was faulty and only caused me more hurt - years of hurt! Psalm 46:1 says that God is our refuge and strength. Deuteronomy 32:4 says The Lord is your mighty defender, perfect and just in all his ways. Psalm 28:7 says The Lord is my strength and my shield. And we have Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. The truth is that rather than make a personal vow when we are hurt, we need to take the hurt to Jesus. We need to forgive the person who hurt us and ask Jesus how to respond in love to the person who hurt us. If you happen to be in an abusive relationship, please know that God never desires that for you. Ask Him and seek help from others to help to get out of that relationship if you are in that place. Forgiving does not mean we allow others to further abuse us. God gives us the wisdom to have healthy boundaries if we ask. James 1:5. The problem with making personal vows is that they keep us bound up in unhealthy behavior patterns that are toxic to us and those closest to us. They also prevent us from being truly effective for the Kingdom because now that vow is imprinted in our minds, rather than having our minds renewed by the Word of God, allowing it to penetrate, dividing soul and spirit. Hebrews 4:12.

I love what Apostle Paul says in Romans chapter 7:15-25 (Message) Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.

Are there negative patterns in your life that you just can't seem to overcome? Could it be that you have made a personal vow that needs to be broken? When I have an area in my life where I seem unable to overcome one thing that always helps me is to ask the Lord "What was the open door?" The Lord is so gracious and if I seek Him, He will always show me where that door is. I find that often today's struggles are the result of a pattern of behavior or thinking that I developed when I was younger. Another word we use today is "coping mechanism". We aren't called to merely cope with life. We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus! - Romans 8:37.

The difficult part is being honest with yourself. Once you have found the open door, the steps to breaking a personal vow are easy.

1. The first thing you do is repent. 1 John 1:9 (TPT) But if we freely admit our sins when his light uncovers them, he will be faithful to forgive us every time... "Father, thank you for showing me where I opened to door to the enemy. I repent of giving him access to my life through the wounds in my soul. Forgive me for making the vow that ________________and for trusting in that vow rather than trusting you. - Proverbs 3:5

2. Renounce the vow. "Father I renounce those words I spoke (or thought) long ago 'I will never let anyone laugh at me again.' and I break all power those words have over my life in Jesus' name." Life and death are in the power of the tongue - Proverbs 18:21.

3. You must forgive the person who wounded you. Without forgiveness, you will not ever be free from those wounds. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses -Mark 11:25 Because Christ forgave us while we were in sin, we can and must forgive others. Read Matthew 18:21-35 for more on this. "Heavenly Father, I forgive my father for teasing me and wounding me. I release both him and all the hurt caused by him. I give it all to you. The next time he tries to provoke me by teasing me, show me how to respond in a way that honors you. I can't do this on my own. I need your help."

4. Produce fruit in keeping with repentance - Matthew 3:8. Just as a personal vow is made made in the mind so is producing the fruit of repentance. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2 This means I no longer order my world around those vows but according to the Word of God. It may take practice. It will likely be a process, not an overnight success. I will surely blow it from time to time but when I do, I will be quick to repent and keep moving forward. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I hope you were encouraged.